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Bleed Me Away...

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

9:07AM

I really thought things were going great, but I guess I was wrong. He asked her out, after telling me he was mass attracted to me....but then he changed his mind cuz he needs alone time....so the whole hour I'm talking to him on the phone (when at any moment my mom could wake up and start bitching at me for being on the phone too late, cuz I should be sleeping), it's just about screwed up relationships, and him even saying how he wanted to kiss me during that moonlit talk on the beach, what a perfect moment too, and when we tried to change the subject, it was just dumb small talk that I didn't need, but I love talking to him, ahem, I mean listening to him. His voice, so soothing because I have an infatuation with this boy, one that I should be pittied for. I need to let go of Melissa and Mike. I feel like I almost loved Melissa, and I just want to be with her so bad it hurts at times. But all she does is pull me forward and then push me away, and I couldn't live like that for very much longer. With Mike, I just have a dependency on him cuz he knows how to hold me just right and how to kiss my pain away, even though him and I could never be exclusive, and he would hurt me anyways. I've been single almost two months, and usually I'd be with somebody, maybe gone through a couple people right now, and I haven't. Fucking up things with Sean has changed my perspective on relationships so drastically, I don't know what I want anymore. Scratch that, I know better of what I really want in a significant other, which cancels out only more people, which leaves me single. I'm more picky now. There are other guys I could be interested in, but already don't give me the time of day as it is, I'm too "weird". Now that I've ranted my problems, I feel a lil better, because I know only Valerie has this name.....Val.....please don't tell anybody what I write in this journal. I love you, and hope things turn out for the best.

Current mood: aggravated

Tuesday, May 4, 2004

12:12PM

My mom and I got into a huge fight today on the way to school.

A lot of my friends know not to rush me, and you'd think my mom (of all people) would understand this the most. So she starts whining and says "I'll be in the car" like that would quicken up the pace, so I just ran out with her, without a sweatshirt and almost without my phone and money. She starts bitching that I don't have a sweatshirt so, of course, I get smart with her and give her a guilt trip for rushing me. Then we get to Lucky 7, she asks me if I'm coming inside, I said no, then she starts bitching saying she wouldn't have stopped if she didn't know I didn't want anything, so I yelled at ther to go then....but she went in anywayz.....she came back and started yelling at me again, so I flamed up and yelled right back.......

We also fought over the phone at Vanessa's on Saturday, Iwas so embarrased. Sometimes my mom confuzzles the fuck out of me, but I'm a teenager, she's not supposed to make sense, right?

In other news, I hate Bonnie.

Current mood: tired

Monday, May 3, 2004

9:21AM

Why am I here?
Nobody wants me.
Kinda pointless
If you ask me...

I'm having those
visions
once again
cut my neck
slice me up and down

Pour out my soul.

Current mood: sad

Friday, April 30, 2004

8:58AM

Me:*sings*She wore an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini...

Danika:I was just thinking about that song cuz there was this fat lady walking by...

Current mood: amused